Date: 2017-07-02 01:29 am (UTC)
thnidu: a dandelion plant, the symbol of filk (filk)
From: [personal profile] thnidu
Melikes this well, and will find the tune to learn to sing it.

A few notes on usage; I hope you won't mind.

• she is fierce and misbehave
→ misbehaves
> "Misbehave" is a verb only, not an adjective. "Misbehaves" is a bit off-rhyme but not much, and is grammatical and clear.

• Hunt down the monsters, darkness bring light
?→ To hunt down the monsters, to darkness bring {the/a} light
> This would (I think) scan better as well as being clearer

• end with blood
> First I thought you meant "end in blood", a common expression meaning that the situation will lead to bloodshed, but now I think you mean "Our families are not restricted to our kin"— yes?

• We are calling the cities and the trenches full of mud
?→ "calling in"? "calling to"?
> Not sure what you mean here. Calling with a direct object means "summoning", or "making a telephone call to".

• to be way fierce and way strong
> "Way" for "very" is still very slangy, and sounds out of place to me here, but of course "very" wouldn't scan right and would sound weak. Perhaps
?→ to be fierce and to be strong
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